04
Oct
10

our wedding gift to you

as innocent as I look, I REALLY know how to ruin a good time

is not just that Kitchen-aid hand mixer purchased at Target the day before your wedding. It is not that pretty clearance- marked bridally looking gift bag, inexpertly stuffed with silver tissue paper and a suitably non-religious card. Our gift is so much more.

Our gift to you, Latin American Swooner type and Sweet Midwestern Charmer is our mere presence at your blessed union. At this point in the evening, as my children are bowling with small drugstore teddy bears across the vast dance floor and stuffing their faces with the various candies you so thoughtfully and beautifully set out for your guests delight, you may be wondering if there was perhaps a mistake. Perhaps we were erroneously invited to this union. But, no, we are indeed here at your request, all of us. For daddy is your cousin, and being thoughtful and family oriented, you went ahead and invited all your cousins. Should you, dare I say, get married again, you may think twice.

It may be hard for you to see the gift in our presence through the barrage of ripped out chrysanthemum petals and cloth napkins tied on like capes. It may be hard for you to hear the gift of our presence through the screaming and farting noises. It may be hard for you to smell the gift of our presence through the poopy diaper. Now that we have eaten your almond crusted chicken and garlic mashed potatoes and partaken in as much of the free alcohol as we could, we will present our gift to you.

Our gift to you, young, sweet, eager couple, is the gift of time. You see us here in our ragged state and sigh. You look at each other with a small hint of fear in your eye and think, maybe we’ll wait awhile to have children. That is our gift to you and I suggest you grasp it tightly and don’t let go.

No thanks is needed really (except for the hand mixer-there’s a gift receipt if you need it), we’ll take our leave now, with chocolate smeared across some of our faces, Daddy’s neck tie around Middle’s neck and Little’s nose gooing up my shoulder.  It’s 8:30. You’re welcome.

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2 Responses to “our wedding gift to you”


  1. October 4, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Hilarious. I’m going to share this with some friends who have “been there.”

  2. October 4, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Yep, it was that awesome. Next time WE’LL be the ones thinking twice – about who to bring along to these types of events.

    Remember Grandpa Murl’s funeral? Aside from the fact that he died (bless his soul), we really enjoyed ourselves, didn’t we? In 8 years or so we can leave them home alone.


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now what’s that now?

what’s done is done


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