03
May
11

a mother’s prayer for her sons [in the style of tina fey]

Recently the fabulous Ms. Tina Fey wrote a book, you may have heard. On the cover she has giant hairy man arms… but inside she includes a prayer for her daughter. It was funny, but somewhat inapplicable to those of us with boys. I’ve been sitting on this one and have finally come up with the perfect non-denominational prayer for my sons.

[heads up: this will be more funny than religious, if you’re not into it, turn away now, but thanks for visiting! Catch you next time!]

A prayer by a mother for her sons:

  • First God/Goddess, about the tattoos that Tina was so against. Please advise my boys against any facial tattoos, any tattoos featuring wolves, eagles, topless Betty Boops, any sort of Tweety Bird (dressed or not), curse words in English or any language your mother speaks and please no tattoos that make use of the bellybutton to represent any part of the female form.
  • Please, when he’s a teenager, let the only pornography that he finds be the foundations section of the JC Penney catalog. Oh, they don’t print those any more? All the better, 1987!
  • Related to the above, may he learn to do his own laundry long before he discovers the foundations section of the JC Penney catalog.
  • May the girls he brings home not work in the following industries: celebrity body-waxing, pole-dancing or deep-frying. Unless, they’re working their way through medical school and then we’ll revisit.
  • If he should bring home any boys, we’ll welcome them with open arms, but still require that they not body-wax, pole-dance or deep-fry.
  • May he accept at an early age that the only vehicle he will be driving away from this house is a 2008 Honda Odyssey mini-van. Unless, of course, he starts saving now to buy the car of his dreams, but unless it’s made of legos, I don’t think that’s going to happen.
  • Please let him know that just because Mommy is watching the soccer game in the rain from the car doesn’t mean she’s not cheering just as loud as everyone else. She promises to put the window down if you make a goal.
  • When he becomes president or first spouse (Can I get a whoop-whoop?) may he think twice before propositioning anyone but his wife. That shit never ends up anywhere good.
  • Please remind him constantly that just because Mommy isn’t hanging out behind the pharmacy with him and his buddies, doesn’t mean she can’t see him considering that joint. She sees everything. EVERYTHING.
  • When he gets his own place, please God before the age of 22, and cooks his first dinner of overdone ramen noodles, overdone mac and cheese or cold spaghetti o’s out of the can, let him pause in reflection of the thousands upon thousands of meals that his mother cooked him that were not in fact overdone ramen noodles, overdone mac and cheese or cold spaghetti o’s. Let this pause be long, Lord, long enough for him to realize that she really wasn’t trying to poison him all those years ago with vegetables. Let him also realize that she may not have actually been the “worst cook in the world”, but may be actually in the top 50%.
  • Please dear God, let him know intrinsically that if his mother should ever find out that he wrote the word b*tch or c*nt on the windshield of a female classmate in the freshly fallen snow; his time on this earth, enjoying the 2008 Odyssey and the JC Penney’s foundations section, will be very, incredibly, limited.
  • In conclusion: Lord, please let him know that whatever choices he makes (outside of the above mentioned no-no’s) his mother will support him the best she can. She will protect him from evil boys who bully and tease and evil girls who just plain tease. As he grows up and can’t wait to get the hell out of here, let him know that he will always be welcome in his mother’s house. She may not volunteer to do his laundry, but may be willing to cook something not overdone or directly out of the can, if he asks nicely. In other words, please let him know that wherever he is and whatever he is doing, he is still his mother’s boy and always will be. And also, she can see EVERYTHING.
  • And of course, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH THEM.

    May the road be smooth and free of mailbox like obstacles, especially when you’re driving the 2008 Odyssey.
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3 Responses to “a mother’s prayer for her sons [in the style of tina fey]”


  1. May 3, 2011 at 11:51 am

    JC Penney catalog… I am cracking up.

  2. 2 Linda Brown
    May 3, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Avery and I read this together. What a beautiful photo of the boys and what a great prayer. Hope they still make spaghetti Os when he leaves home. Love, Mom

  3. 3 Amy
    December 13, 2011 at 5:41 am

    Wonderful, Wonderful! I am sending this link to everyone I know who has boys – even just one boy. I too am cracking up over the J.C. Penney Catalog…


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