Archive for the 'boys' Category

01
Oct
11

chatty cathy vs. chatty johnny

As I was researching language acquisition for the last post I did, I found a lot of research on language usage and the subsequent amount of it. Blah. Blah. Blah. Numbers, numbers, numbers. Except. Except… in every single one of the studies I skimmed the scientists were showing that females talked more than males. Girls talked more than boys. Pretty much all the scientific studies showed the same thing: girls spoke earlier, more and had a bigger vocabulary. Except…

Um. No. Clearly these scientists and researchers have never met my children. My male children. All three of them talked early, often and with huge vocabularies, including words like “appeared” and “actually” (pronounced oxually). When big was not so big he never stopped talking, his entire life was a running dialouge. I say dialogue becuase no matter what came out of his mouth I was expected to respond and if I didn’t the conversation took on an urgent tone that I was forced to notice.

Big at 3: Vrooom. Vroom. The car is driving up into the parking garage to park on the top floor. [driving car around as described]

Mom: [silence because honestly I don’t know what kind of response is called for.]

Big: MOM! THE CAR IS DRIVING UP INTO THE PARKING GARAGE TO PARK ON THE TOP FLOOR!!!!!!!

Mom: OKAY! SUPER!

Every single waking moment of every single day I was expected to participate in conversationally; the boy performed no monologues. My brain was over-stimulated and it was the sort of thing that would make a mommy a little cranky. I perfected the least interested response I could. When I was pregnant with Middle and laying on the couch in the clutches of mid-afternoon sickness and Big was desperately trying to include me in a conversation about trains; I came up with this cheat sheet for the direst of times.

first response: Hmmm.

second: hMMmmm.

third: hmmmmMMM.

fourth: hmmmmm?

fifth: hmmmmm!!!

Repeat.

speak no evil, speak a little evil and speak much evil and by evil I mean mostly potty talk.

So of course I would go on to bear two more children who would grace the good earth with their voices that tinkle like bells ALL THE TIME. I was feeling guilty; like shouldn’t I want to be constantly engaged in unstimulating conversation with little people? I asked my therapist if I was secretly totally evil. She said, no. We had a nice dialogue about it. She said the human brain isn’t meant to be stimulated ALL THE TIME. I should tell him that for five minutes I was going to turn my brain off and he could talk, but I wasn’t going to listen. If he wanted someone to listen he should find someone else to talk to, like say his baby brother or his teddy bear. It took him about a week to stop talking to me and expecting a response, but it was damn nice not to be expected to remember where I was in the “hmmm” cycle.

So all these studies are saying that boys talk less than girls and they have evidence and shit and I say, “whatever” because I don’t see it. So I want to know what they think the reasons are, so I know if my boys are freaks of nature and possibly huge moneymakers some day. In The Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre she talks about how two separate studies found evidence that pointed in two opposite directions. Super, science, just super.

In the first study researchers decided after following around 22 educated, middle-class mothers of toddlers, both boys and girls about the same age for a few hours every month and tape every word they said, that the moms used the same amount of words with boys and girls, but boys spoke less and used fewer words. They believed that there was something intrinsic that made the boys less verbal (pp. 65-66). However, in a completely different study across more diverse racial and socioeconomic lines showed that the number of words a parent speaks to a child is directly related to the size of the child’s vocabulary regardless of gender. So that means that if you have a very active boy who wants to be outside running around, throwing balls and stuff, you might not choose to take them to the story hour at the library or sit down and read books to them. If you’re doing what they are interested in, or what is easier to do with them, then maybe there’s less language involved.

Now that makes sense. They spend a hell of a lot of time with me and I am a world champion talker. The kind of person that loves to talk. The person that volunteers to get up in front of people and talk. I can’t get enough of it. “Listen to me world!” Maybe because no one listens to me at home. Naw, I’ve always been that way; in theater, forensics (not the CSI kind). LOOOOOVE the stage. My childhood report cards always said, quarter after quarter and year after year, “Becki’s a great student, but she needs to spend less time talking.”

I talked so much that my fourth grade teacher tied me into my desk with crepe paper so I wouldn’t walk around the room and talk to people. If we would have known then what we know now about suing for pain and suffering…

So the boys have a great role model, if they’d let me get a word in edgewise. Also, I’m not so much into the running around outside and the ball-throwing. I was always reading to Big and dragging him to story hours and anything else that involved me sitting on my ass. It’s gotten harder with Middle and Little because they seem to be more active types. And don’t go around thinking I’ve ruined Big and he’s like a big blob on the couch; he’s a white belt in Tai Kwon Do, but he’s going places.

I know that someday I’m going to miss all these little voices around me. They may be surly teenagers and I’ll have to beg them to talk to me. I videotaped Little yesterday telling me the names of all the Star Wars guys that he knew because it’s just too precious to hear your three-year old recite the members of the Dark Side. That’s not all he says, he says I love you mommy about twenty times a day, but I never have the camera ready for that. That, I’ll never forget.

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18
Sep
11

the problem with other

Below is a post that I wrote at my old blog a couple of years ago when I had become particularly annoyed with the lack of understanding on the part of big and middle in the area of language, specifically one single word. Now that I’m all like scientific and shit, I thought I’d revisit this annoyance and see if maybe, just maybe they weren’t really trying to drive me crazy, but were just using their male brains (you know, the only ones they have).

[side note: old blog called The Wiener Mom so all sons were called wieners… you’ll put it together, I know you will]

so glad I'm your mOTHER Big; you've grown so much!

Dear wieners (specifically mine, but all are welcome),

I have come before you today to address a crucial issue in the success of Wiener Mom/little wiener relationships. The future of my goodwill and your continued survival depend upon it.
My dear wieners, we must discuss the meaning of the word “other”. What it means is not that one, i.e. not that hand, the OTHER one or not that foot, the OTHER ONE. When a person has two of something (hands or feet primarily) and the Wiener Mom says “not that one, the other one” she does not mean the SAME ONE, she means the OTHER ONE.

What confuses the otherwise intelligent and capable mind of the Wiener Mom, is how a relatively small wiener can correctly use words like, ACTUALLY, and USUALLY, and even REAPPEARING, but he can not give the Wiener Mom THE OTHER FOOT, even after repeated pointing and wild gesturing, as well as overly clear annunciation, “No, the OTH-ER one.”

Perhaps this is a phenomenon witnessed only in Wiener World, and both wieners and non-wieners in the outside world have a strong grasp of the OTHER one. If so, please give the Wiener Mom your apparently successful strategies before she pulls her hair out. No, the other one.

Love and kisses, The Wiener Mom

Back when I wrote that OTHER blog

So I go through all my boy books and can’t find anything on language processing; a lot on talking (which is a whole OTHER blog post altogether). So I have to turn to the World Wide Webs, which I really hate to do because, really who can you trust, there’s so many so-called experts out there blogging about who knows what. I google it and find a lot of scientific articles and papers and abstracts and there are a lot of numbers and %s and #s and &s and other symbols that start to look kind of math-like so I turn to

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/03/080303120346.htm

Science Daily: My source for the latest in Research News to find the answer to this brain buster:

Seems like just the OTHER day

Do boys process language differently than girls?

short answer: yup.

long answer: Boys’ language processing tends to be more sensory and girls’ processing more abstract. So I guess if you think about it, the word OTHER is pretty abstract. It’s not a car or a light saber or a brother or even a wiener. It’s other.

But why, you ask? The researcher from Northwestern thinks that boys may have “some kind of bottleneck in their sensory processes that can hold up visual or auditory information and keep it from being fed into the language areas of the brain.” Which he says may be a result of girls developing faster than boys and may be gone by adulthood, which explains why when I put the Mister’s shoes on, he totally understands the word OTHER. This would also explain why all my pointing and mad gesturing isn’t helping anything; it’s just all getting trapped in  like a traffic jam of sensory information, which for some reason I imagine actually taking place in his neck.

The researcher says that another explanation for why the study showed that boys aren’t as adept at processing abstract language is that they may create visual and auditory associations with a word and it would be kind of hard to create a visual or auditory association with the word OTHER unless it’s your mother pulling her hair out and gesturing to your shoe or screaming “OTH-ER”.

Two years after I wrote that post Big has figured out the meaning of the word OTHER about 94.6% of the time, but now I’ve got Middle and Little to gesture wildly to. Maybe now that I know that they’re not trying to annoy me or ignore me, I could tone down the gesturing and the exasperated sighing. Only for “OTHER” though.

I hold no promises when it comes to “COME HERE. NO I SAID COME HERE. HERE. NO HERE. NEXT TO ME. NO HERE.”

06
Sep
11

the tears of a mom

Yes, it’s been a while. It’s been one hell of a summer. Little and Middle have been locked in daily battle. Middle uses physical tactics; a punch in the gut, a slap to the bare back, a face shove, a kick in the nuts. Little goes with the mental sort of torture, the constant annoyances that build up over time and make it necessary for Middle to use the above methods to get his revenge. Big has just been screaming at them like a teenage girl and hiding in his room reading Garfield comics. I don’t think I ever thought I’d ever say he’d be glad that summer was over, but that kid is glad that summer is over.

There was some fun to be had this summer, like in the water...

and in the mud on West Lawn during construction...

Then there’s me; the chronic daily migraines persist, while the side effects from the medications we’re trying to use to treat the daily migraines cause a myriad of side effects that put me in a bad mood. Ahhhh, summer. Let’s add to this the fact that for all the requests to read my novel I’ve gotten and all the “I love it! It’s witty/clever/well-written” they all end with something about “not in this cautious competitive market blah blah blah.” So, the novel I’ve spent 4 years writing is on its last legs. I’ve got about 15 more possibilities out there and then we put it to sleep. Cryonically of course, like Ted Williams, just in case there’s ever a change in the “market”. I’ve started a shitty rough draft of a new book and it’s coming along so that’s all well and good.

[side note: If you’re interested, I’ll share with you the nastiest rejection I’ve ever gotten from some crazy old coot of a lady from Atlanta who took issue with my usage of the work F*ck in narrative and also the way I decided where to separate paragraphs. She said it wasn’t literature and she ONLY represented literature, which apparently includes cozy mysteries called “Kissing Cousins” but I’m not bitter]

and by burying children in the sand.

yes sir that's my baby. yes sir, her name is "Maybea". So I make up songs about my dog. what's it to you?

The big news this summer was that my best canine companion blew out her rear ACL and had to have it repaired. It happened right at the beginning of summer and for several months it was kind of a watch and see kind of thing. It was almost better and then some damn chipmunk encouraged her to chase it and she completely tore it and flipped her meniscus over. So on August 2 she had to have surgery. The vet called in the middle of the surgery to say they found a growth on the underside of her tongue. We had him cut it out, stitch her up and send the growth away “just in case”. A few days later, he calls. It’s a very aggressive form of skin cancer that rarely shows up in the mouth. It’s not good news. We get an appointment with the vet school at the university. Our vet sounds like the Mary Poppins for sick animals; she’s not. She gives us our options and tells us in pretty plain terms that she’s got about 6-12 months left, no matter what we do; treat her or not. She’s genuinely surprised when I cry.

What does this have to do with the science and psychology of boys? A lot it turns out. Silly me; I was worried about crying in front of them. I was worried about protecting them from my sadness.

Here’s where Dr. Luann Brizendine comes in again, only this time, shame on me, I don’t have the book, I had to return it to the person I borrowed it from. Now, you know I’m normally good about referencing pages and authors, etc. but I don’t have the damn book, so I”ll have to do big ideas this time. We all remember how boys emotional centers are not as well-connected as girls and develop later and all that jazz from previous posts. (if this is news to you, go back a few posts and read in detail, with references). I guess while I knew this was true I hadn’t actually considered what it looked like in action.

I was doing a lot of crying when this news came; I love this dog like crazy. We got her at the Humane Society when she was a puppy and we’ve had her ten years. Since I stay home and work from home, we spend a lot of time together. Sometimes (who am I kidding, often) she’s the only easy thing in my day. Like I said above, I was trying to sob subtly. The thing was though, they didn’t seem to notice. Not at all. None of them. Not even Big (who’s 9 now). Not until Daddy talked to him on the phone and told him that I was sad and he should be extra nice to me. Then he came and hugged me and said he loved me and he was sorry that I was sad and it was very lovely and wonderful and then he asked me if he could use the computer now. Little and Middle showed no recognition of sadness, only recognition that I was still the Mommy that got the chocolate milk and fielded the complaints about the jelly with seeds situation.

So I happened to be reading The Female Brain by Luann Brizendine around this same time and in learning about how girls brains develop I learned a little bit how boys’ don’t. I learned that a girl at 18 months can read the emotion of an adult and know what they need and “caretake”. I learned that it takes boys a LOT longer to be able to read emotions on a person’s face. So couple that with the fact that their emotional centers are less connected and slower to develop, they really just didn’t notice that I was sad.

You know who did? The dog.

Afterword: We went to another veterinary Oncologist and although he agreed with the diagnosis from the non-Mary Poppins vet at the vet school he had a much more positive prognosis. We’ve now been through staging and a second growth, but at the current time, she’s got no decetable cancer in her body. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t microscopic cancer hiding out, but she’ll start chemotherapy on Wednesday and hopefully we’ll blast the hell out of it. Dr. Kai has a positive outlook and for the first time this summer it feels good to have the same.

You can't tell from the picture but I swear to you it was a double.

21
Jun
11

our daddy is really and truly the greatest daddy ever, wanna fight about it? ’cause we will totally lay the smack down over this one.

Happy Father's Day 2011

Father’s Day 2011. A time to celebrate our daddy, the mister, the king of wrestle-mania, the master of tree-trimming and so much more. Our daddy is like the Michael Jordan of daddies. He’s like the Kelly Clarkson of daddies. He’s like the Tiger Woods of daddies (but ONLY on the golf course, NOT with the skanks). Our daddy is the best daddy ever. Here is our proof:

1. Do you know where our daddy is right now? Our daddy is supervising an adventure for five boys, two of which do not even belong to him. He promised Big a Birthday adventure and when the weather didn’t cooperate, did he wuss out and risk crushing a young boys dreams? No, he didn’t. He readjusted what must be his giant cojones and took them all on his own. He may or may not have a touch of the crazy; the jury’s still out on that one.

2. Our daddy is sooooo brave. A poor planner, but brave. See last week’s post  https://amomamongmen.wordpress.com/2011/06/13/why-is-my-husband-on-the-roof-with-no-shoes-and-a-power-saw/

3. Our daddy is super strong. He can take on three ninjas at the same time. Like he can totally wrestle them to the ground with some amazing wrestling moves and only hurt them a little bit some time and only cry a little bit some time when they hit him in the nuts. You may want to see previous post https://amomamongmen.wordpress.com/2011/04/20/a-mom-among-men-easter-edition-wrestlemania-spring-2011/

well, well, well Daddy, you think you can take this?

4. Our daddy drives a kick ass van like this one. And he doesn’t even care what you think about it.

you got something to say? wait until the roar of the engine starting dies down, he can't hear you yet.

5. Our daddy takes us on the coolest field trips and sometimes he even follows posted safety instructions. See post https://amomamongmen.wordpress.com/2011/04/26/why-daddy-field-trips-just-might-be-more-fun-than-mommy-field-trips-a-photo-essay/

6. Our daddy sings like an angel, dances like Elaine from Seinfeld and dives like a seventeen year old life guard. Our daddy knows how to clean a fish, change the oil in a car and take apart a chain saw and mostly put it back together again. Our daddy can build anything, like bunk beds, or dressers, or a chair that tolerated our abuse for one whole year. Our daddy is way talented.

7. Our daddy hugs us when we’re sad, tickles us when we’re happy and lets us punch him in the guts when we’re mad. He lays down with us when we have bad dreams and sings “Fly Me to the Moon” and “Down in the Valley”. He tells us that we can do anything we want to do, like be a jedi, or a published writer.

8. Our daddy is one fine piece of ass (that one’s from mommy).

"that boy's a piece of work, he's a fine piece of ass though too." -billy madison

9. Our daddy is funny. Like really funny. He tells lots of jokes that are inappropriate for this forum and for our small ears. If you are over the age of 18 ask him to tell you one!

10. Our daddy loves us more than anything! Know how we can tell? Every single day he takes care of us. He takes care of our mommy too. Sometimes he’d probably rather go fishing, but he loves us and we love him so on July 2, 2011 we’re all going to take care of ourselves for the whole day!

22
May
11

what’s so great about peace, love and poop?

First I disarm you with my stunning grasp of the many lingual usages for poop...

Yesterday Daddy had a ladder out in the yard. After he was done with his ladder work, Middle wanted to climb up the ladder to see what it was like. So, under Daddy’s supervision he climbed to the top and was automatically on top of the world (at least for a five-year old). Taller than Mommy or Daddy, or anyone, almost as tall as the top of the swing set. So, to honor this momentous occasion he needed to shout a proclamation to the world, or at least the neighborhood. When given the opportunity to make your first official neighborhood wide proclamation of superiority there’s really only one thing to say…

Poopity, poop, poop and poopy!

Shout it from the rooftops! This is the story of my life.

Middle has a new hobby. He’s a linguist of sorts I guess. He masterfully crafts all language it involve the use of at least one potty talk word and one jibberish potty talk word created to rhyme with the former. If I wasn’t so disgusted and annoyed by it, I might be impressed. All day long, at least 50% of the dialogue he tries to engage in with me or his brothers involves poop. He’s strong into the butt and poop humor. Occasionally he’ll dabble in the penis and farts, but rarely. I might actually appreciate mixing it up a little at this point. Big is way over the potty talk and howls with annoyance every time Middle breaks it out. Little finds it hilarious, but it doesn’t flow as freely from his lips. Daddy seems fairly unperturbed by it. So, it’s me, I’m the one who really really wishes it would stop. I don’t remember doing this when I was a girl. Maybe there was some of it when I was young, but never to this degree. It was more like a taboo thing; you know, “poop” under the breath and hysterical giggling with friends. So this is my question:

are boys grosser than girls?

I found some useful insights into the male potty talk brain from Louann Brizendine and her book The Male Brain and also from an online interview with Betsy Brown Braun, author of several parenting books, including You’re Not the Boss of Me.

Here’s what Louann had to say; Basically boys discover their place in the world by testing their physical limits, which includes all of their body’s physical abilities; including burping, farting, etc. Boys are driven to prove themselves physically in every way possible. (p. 21) So, interesting, but not all that helpful. Further on in the book she discusses the teen boy brain and the fact that the reward center in their brains is actually less easily activated and less able to feel normal levels of stimulation. She described a particular study where teenagers’ brains were scanned while they looked at disgusting pictures of mutilated bodies (fun!). They found that the teen boys’ brains didn’t activate as much as a child or adult. (p. 37)

(okay, aside, who volunteered their CHILD to be in this study and are they traumatized for life? What was their little study gift, a gift card for therapy?)

So I wondered if all this potty talk that is so disgusting to most everyone else just really isn’t that gross to him, is this his pre-teen way to practice not reacting to mutilated bodies? Super.

Braun had some more very specific things to say about potty talk in her interview on The Mother Company in June of 2010. http://www.themotherco.com/2010/06/potty-talk-911/

She does say that boys are more apt to potty talk than girls but doesn’t say why and this is the perfect age (4-5). She said that some scientists (who studies potty talk and can they get Middle a job?) believe that the onslaught of this verbal diarrhea is connected to a feeling of power over mastering potty training. Now that it’s no big deal they can joke around about it.

I also read a quote from someone, but I can’t remember for the life of me who it was (if it was you, you totally nailed it on the head, way to go!) This wise person said: for the first three years of their life all WE talk about is peeing and pooping and diapers and then we expect them not to do the same. Very true.

So I’m going to go out on a limb and say that yes, boys are grosser than girls. If you need further proof you’ve got Wedding Crashers, American Pie, Porky’s, There’s Something About Mary, Southpark, Jackass, the musical Urinetown

and then you’ve got this guy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piero_Manzoni. (who buys this shit? Ha!)

So, maybe Middle has a bright future ahead of him in the potty talk field. I ‘m going to have to start preparing myself now to go to his gross out movies and laugh. As long as he isn’t packaging his feces in foil and selling it like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piero_Manzoni I think I can muster up some level of support.

09
May
11

“You like me! You really like me!” A Mother’s Day recap

My gifts today: a popsicle stick picture frame, a painted pot with a pansy in it, and a card that says "From a boy who is strong in the force, and may be a jedi. Happy Moter's Day."

Once a year in our little man-cave in Madison there comes a day where manly activities take the backseat to momly activities. In place of potty talk there is conversation about why everyone likes me: I am brutiful. I read books. “I like you ’cause I like you.” There is also a lot of potty talk, but for a golden half-minute there is none. In place of action figures and blasters there is a trip to the lake where you can use “finger pistols” to kill your brother, but there are no action figures. In place of Star Wars… nothing, still Star Wars.

I get one day a year where I can say, “It’s mother’s day damn it; stop calling your brother Mr. Doodoo and they have to listen. I’m not really sure why they believe me so strongly and do listen. Maybe it’s because there was one mother’s day where they didn’t and they ended up making me cry. But we don’t talk about that. Do they understand the importance of this day? Do they sense what I want and need? Do we drill it in to them and hope for the best?

Or is it possible… that they really love us and respect us and… need us?

You’ve probably seen the emails that go around with pictures of why boys need mothers. Apparently there is photographic proof that without our guidance they would skateboard off the roof of the garage and cover themselves with panty liners.  But this is serious; I know from all my reading about raising boys that boys really need their dads. But, maybe this is obvious to you, what do they need from me, mom, that they don’t get anywhere else. So for the last hour of my Mother’s Day, as Daddy did the dishes, I researched the question:

 why do boys need moms?

I turned to Michael Gurian and his books The Wonder of Boys and A Fine Young Man and Meg Meeker and her book Boys Should be Boys. First of all I just want to say that Meeker writes the saddest and most heart-breaking theory of mothering boys I’ve ever read;

“so she will protect, adore, and nurture this tiny boy until he becomes a man and then, the ache will feel overwhelming. As a man he will leave and life as a mother will never be the same for her. She will continue to love her son, but the connection will be reworked. Not because she changed, but because one day, he will belong to another.” (p. 105-106)

So WAAAAAAA  to you Meg Meeker! After I shed a few tears and sufficiently hexed her I read more.  She did go on to make some valid points, but I’ll never quite forgive her for the above. Maybe because deep down I know it’s true. She goes on to talk about how mothers are often the fiercest protectors and strongest advocates their sons have. We teach them how to love and express love, because it is in our extra X chromosome to do so (not scientifically speaking) and this need to love and be loved and express that love is huge in boys development and how they learn to interact with women. We respond to discipline differently; our super-analytical minds need to really dissect and understand a problem our son might be having, rather than immediately trying to fix it. Mothers put a lot of thought into how to discipline their boys. Because we are so verbal about our feelings, we teach them how to name and think about their own. And I like this one: “Her words help him become a better man.” (p. 123)

Ultimately through our unending, unconditional love we build up boys’ self esteem, a crucial piece to making it on the journey to becoming a great man. We forgive and in doing so prove to a boy his self-worth; that we accept him even if he makes mistakes. When we extend our love to a boy who has just failed or effed up we teach him what love is. We teach him how to love and how to receive love at his lowest points. (Meeker, pp. 105-124)

What does Gurian say about moms? All that cuddling that we do when they’re babies, builds brain systems. Gurian says that this is even more important for boys because boys brain development in a lot of areas is slower than girls. (p. 89) Most of the other stuff that he has to say has to do with Meeker’s tear jerker above. Our job is to send them on their way to become men and then let them go on to do it. He talks about an African saying: “The mother has the boy for the first half of his childhood, the father for the second.” (Gurian, A Fine Young Man, p. 73).

As often as I find myself wishing that I was no longer dealing with poopy diapers and temper tantrums, hating bedtime and hair-washing, when I read this it reminds me that it doesn’t last forever. There will come a time when I have to put them on the Greyhound bus to manhood and I won’t go along. I will stand outside the bus depot and wave a hanky and blow kisses. I hope in my heart of hearts that I’m doing a good enough job now that they’ll want to come back to visit and not just so I’ll do their laundry.

Maybe poopy diapers and temper tantrums aren’t all that bad after all.

Happy “Moter’s” Day all.

03
May
11

a mother’s prayer for her sons [in the style of tina fey]

Recently the fabulous Ms. Tina Fey wrote a book, you may have heard. On the cover she has giant hairy man arms… but inside she includes a prayer for her daughter. It was funny, but somewhat inapplicable to those of us with boys. I’ve been sitting on this one and have finally come up with the perfect non-denominational prayer for my sons.

[heads up: this will be more funny than religious, if you’re not into it, turn away now, but thanks for visiting! Catch you next time!]

A prayer by a mother for her sons:

  • First God/Goddess, about the tattoos that Tina was so against. Please advise my boys against any facial tattoos, any tattoos featuring wolves, eagles, topless Betty Boops, any sort of Tweety Bird (dressed or not), curse words in English or any language your mother speaks and please no tattoos that make use of the bellybutton to represent any part of the female form.
  • Please, when he’s a teenager, let the only pornography that he finds be the foundations section of the JC Penney catalog. Oh, they don’t print those any more? All the better, 1987!
  • Related to the above, may he learn to do his own laundry long before he discovers the foundations section of the JC Penney catalog.
  • May the girls he brings home not work in the following industries: celebrity body-waxing, pole-dancing or deep-frying. Unless, they’re working their way through medical school and then we’ll revisit.
  • If he should bring home any boys, we’ll welcome them with open arms, but still require that they not body-wax, pole-dance or deep-fry.
  • May he accept at an early age that the only vehicle he will be driving away from this house is a 2008 Honda Odyssey mini-van. Unless, of course, he starts saving now to buy the car of his dreams, but unless it’s made of legos, I don’t think that’s going to happen.
  • Please let him know that just because Mommy is watching the soccer game in the rain from the car doesn’t mean she’s not cheering just as loud as everyone else. She promises to put the window down if you make a goal.
  • When he becomes president or first spouse (Can I get a whoop-whoop?) may he think twice before propositioning anyone but his wife. That shit never ends up anywhere good.
  • Please remind him constantly that just because Mommy isn’t hanging out behind the pharmacy with him and his buddies, doesn’t mean she can’t see him considering that joint. She sees everything. EVERYTHING.
  • When he gets his own place, please God before the age of 22, and cooks his first dinner of overdone ramen noodles, overdone mac and cheese or cold spaghetti o’s out of the can, let him pause in reflection of the thousands upon thousands of meals that his mother cooked him that were not in fact overdone ramen noodles, overdone mac and cheese or cold spaghetti o’s. Let this pause be long, Lord, long enough for him to realize that she really wasn’t trying to poison him all those years ago with vegetables. Let him also realize that she may not have actually been the “worst cook in the world”, but may be actually in the top 50%.
  • Please dear God, let him know intrinsically that if his mother should ever find out that he wrote the word b*tch or c*nt on the windshield of a female classmate in the freshly fallen snow; his time on this earth, enjoying the 2008 Odyssey and the JC Penney’s foundations section, will be very, incredibly, limited.
  • In conclusion: Lord, please let him know that whatever choices he makes (outside of the above mentioned no-no’s) his mother will support him the best she can. She will protect him from evil boys who bully and tease and evil girls who just plain tease. As he grows up and can’t wait to get the hell out of here, let him know that he will always be welcome in his mother’s house. She may not volunteer to do his laundry, but may be willing to cook something not overdone or directly out of the can, if he asks nicely. In other words, please let him know that wherever he is and whatever he is doing, he is still his mother’s boy and always will be. And also, she can see EVERYTHING.
  • And of course, MAY THE FORCE BE WITH THEM.

    May the road be smooth and free of mailbox like obstacles, especially when you’re driving the 2008 Odyssey.



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